Travellin' thru

On Friendships and Loyalty

s0ftm0on — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 00:05:30 +0000

It hurts to know that when friends fall apart all they can look back is what they have given and not what they have shared. Honestly, I don’t count what i have given coz there’s nothing I can give. My friendship comes in stealth package. Something you cannot see, hold or keep. But it’s something you can remember and give you a
warm feeling afterwards. I can only count in my hands when I have given something material to my close circle. And those rare momentos, albeit very simple and cheap are creatively done with love. As a friend, I can only share my time, an ear to listen, a comforting hand, and some wise words about how reality bites. As a friend, I
show my loyalty by believing only what a friend tells me to believe in. I give my full trust when I love, same
amount of love and loyalty I can give to a friend.
So what happens when a friend hurt me? I hide back to my shell. In my own shield where no one can hurt me. I’m a jealous friend but I can tolerate.
During those times that I’ve been wating for explanations, outbursts and cry, I was ignored. Totally regarded as someone who wouldn’t understand and get hurt. Of course, I should be hurt. I feel for my friend. I’ve felt that before and I totally get the picture. But regardless the fact that she had turned to others and not me, my loyalty never wavered. I stayed. Hoping one day my friend would let me peek in her heart. As a friend, I believe in everything she says, nothing more and nothing less. During those times of patient waiting, I’m in my own troubles…
I learned that loyalty comes only with money. So where do you go when you’re stucked with a poor rat?You’d jump on an opportunity even if that would mean burning bridges. And now, the welcoming party amidst the forwarning never cared to ask if it’s okay… did not even have second thoughts on what others might say and question on the shift of homes. I don’t know if my friend ever realized the impact of that action to her beloved friend.
Even if you have the best of intentions, even if you never did wrong, even if you cared enough for the person who in the end chose to lie and ruin herself, You will still be the Bad person in the eyes of everyone.

BUT WHY?

Because another good person took her in.
Where does that leave me?I’m mean. I’m cruel. I’m unforgiving.
And yet, I was the one betrayed. I was not chosen one. I was left alone.

And in people’s eyes, I am the mean, cruel and unforgiving person.
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FB was never a good avenue for outbursts. Been there, done that…not on FB though… And I’m never repeating that same mistake again. Before, I was proud… coz i earn sympathy and applaud plus admiration from people who doesn’t know the real story. But looking back, I felt ashamed for hurting people who are victims too. It took us time to build a new and real friendship and the person whom we had been fighting for never deserved it anyway. We were fools for being dragged that low.
Respect means a lot in friendship… as well as reaching out. But how do you Really reach out?I just realized that we have different perspectives of “lahat ginawa mo na” Does it refer to “before” or “after” the differences? Coz when I say, I did everything, I mean I totally exhaust all means, even those things that will kill me in pain.
And after that, I’m good. Nothing to look back.
After I’ve sent my email… Nada. NRThat ends there.
But see, because I value what we have shared I had the nerve to write a painful goodbye. If words can cut like a knife, for sure I wasn’t the one whose Action spoke Louder than words.
Emails, YM, MSN, Q, gmail, PMs, texts, calls…last time I checked, they get people connected.
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It’s been months. I haven’t noticed it really because after my busy months I had nobody to go back to. My friend have been busy with other friends. I kinda got used to it. I’m just a jealous friend, but not selfish. I’m tolerant anyway. But that tolerance was put to test. When you are happy with your chosen one, do you have to rub it in to the person you left behind? (oh sige na, kayo na ang masaya!— quoting Joy:; )
That’s my qeue. Back to my shell where nobody can hurt me. Thus, my task for the day: shrug off the pain, eliminate the source and focus on my new found interest. I have a busy month ahead of me. I don’t need distractions.
I need to focus. I need to concentrate.

So why do tears fall when I’m about to sleep… when I’m in church…when I’m alone…Why do I feel sad even if I have accomplished a lot during the day…Why can’t I stop thinking of you…

I must unload so I can move forward. It has been dragging me down for days it’s becoming a burden already… you know, there are more important things in life than stuffs like this.

Note to self: If people doesn’t care about you, why should you?
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I miss you, but I’m not speaking to you till you see clearly where my pain is coming from…

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Yesterday, I was touched by an angel

s0ftm0on — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 18:17:55 +0000

I remember having an interesting candid conversation with a foreigner yesterday at Mercury Drugstore. I was staring blankly at something with loads of things running inside my head when this guy suddenly popped me with series of questions.

F: Are you happy?

Me: Huh? Yes.

F: Fully happy or partially?

Me: I’m happy (grins at him)

F: Are you thankful?

Me: Of course, my kids are getting better. (and yet I’m buying a new med for Jiro’s cough)

F: Are you thankful to Jesus?

Me: Oh yeah, HE provides everything!(Definitely true!)

F: Alleluia! I hope you enjoy the rest of the day. (smiles at me)

Me: You too. Thanks! Bye.

I just realized that I might have been looking so problematic or worried that’s why that foreigner asked me if I’m happy. My eyes totally gives me away. Honestly, I could not remember what I was really thinking that time. Perhaps I’ve been computing the remaining budget for the next 10 days after buying the much needed medicine. Perhaps I’ve been contemplating on how I could increase my income. Maybe I was thinking if I’m gonna let Jiro attend school the next day or just let him rest for the whole week. I’m always thinking and planning that I never care what people around thinks of me when I don’t mingle with them much. FOr awhile I was concerned that my worries are already showing physically. (too bad, the face is always the first part that shows signs of stress.) But now I realized that when worries occupy my mind, it doesn’t give any room for God to show his love. In my case, He has to use somebody to remind me that I need not worry coz He provides everything. I’ve always known that but this time I felt that reminder in my heart.

Yesterday, I was touched by an angel. He reminded what I’ve known all along. That God always provide. I need not worry.

on friendship and loyalty

s0ftm0on — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 21:13:50 +0000

sigh…

LISTEN:
We all have something to vent out about. But when a friend runs to you to clear her chest, give her the floor and listen intently instead of waiting for your turn to speak.

‎”Sometimes, you gotta stop believing that you actually matter to someone. It just hurts to discover that you don’t.”

doesn’t have enough money to buy LoYaLty…

I feel good! tanananananan…

s0ftm0on — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 19:37:57 +0000

Wednesdays are Pilates days. I always look forward to this day because that means “effort, effort, effort”. For a beginner, this is really difficult since it focuses on balance. And with the weight I am in, it’s a real challenge. I’ve been on this program 3 times already plus some aero class before Pilates sessions. In that very short time, I can feel some changes already. Physically, it’s not that visible yet, but the overall feeling of wellness is felt within me. I used to feel still tired and sleepy even after hours of uninterrupted sleep. But now, I am more energized than ever, hahaha. I feel good!

Supermom? YES, Superwoman: NO

s0ftm0on — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 19:32:37 +0000

It’s been more than a year since I last posted here… And I was really serious back then to fill my hours with anything I can do. Funny me. For the record, I was really busy. I tried to get back to school through a review class. I was promoted Account Manager in a part time business. Me and my sister expanded the business due to increase in demand. Ichiro’s running for Academic Achievement Award. Jiro’s getting more hyperactive. And through all of these I’m still employed, meaning I am awake at night to work while struggling to do all the other activities in the morning. And yes, I’ve felt it’s toll on my body. I got sick, I’m always tired, I’m haggard. Yaiks!!! really.
After all these I realized, I’m a supermom. But yes, not a superwoman. I’m good with juggling responsibilities and time but I don’t have super powers to keep my body in full function without proper rest. I would always make ends meet but in exchange, it’s ripping my body apart. I would always feel a sense of achievement after every task done but I still think I miss something. And that something spells like F-U-N.
So last summer we had a blast on every family activity. We went swimming twice. We visited Avilon Zoo. Ichiro joined Jollibee Kiddie Scout workshop. Jiro attended trial class. Malling and bonding at home every rest days. I felt alive and human again. Feels good to have rested well and spent time with love ones.
And that’s the reason why I’m on pacing mode these days. I’m enjoying every moment with my kids and savoring each day with gratefulness. Thank you Lord.

Finding myself again

s0ftm0on — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:40:57 +0000

There are times when I don’t understand what I feel. What’s worse is that I’m not even sure if I feel anything at all. When I was younger, my therapy was to walk long hours alone to anywhere my feet takes me. When it’s not working with me anymore I shifted to blogging. Now I don’t know what could ease this confusion inside of me. I seek comfort in every activity that will drown away this kind of moment. Lately I’ve been keeping myself busy with anything I can fill my hours with. Anything… just to keep my mind from feeling this way.

One day……………… and I’m so looking forward to it.

looking forward to a better and fruitful 2009!

s0ftm0on — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 17:23:52 +0000

I promised myself today’s gonna be a productive day. I’ve been very lazy for the past weeks. I kept on sleeping every time I get a chance. Even at work I took advantage of the idle time in the office to nap. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the cold weather that invites me to hibernate or it’s just plain procrastination on my part.

I’ve been neglecting my blog sites. I even failed to write about the latest cooking demo my bessie and i had attended. Or maybe because the chef, albeit the best we had seen so far, snobbed the picture taking we used to do after every demo. I even saw her interviewed in one of the tv feature shows. Maybe she’s not worth blogging. Or I’m just making up excuses for my laziness.

Where have I been? I think I was in Castroland most of the time. Lurking as usual and sometimes dropping some thank you’s to my sisters in Castrocopia. I just feel for them and they are very entertaining, plus the moderators are nice and smart.

So since I’ve been invisible for the past month, I’ ll just be blogging away…

December. It’s been a busy month, or maybe I just thought. Well, for a start, me and my Ichiro went to Cebu first week of December, When we came back, I attended our company’s year end party on the same week. The following week was shopping week for gifts and preparation for Christmas food and stuffs. Actually, some of the Christmas shopping was done earlier already but just a few on my list made it. Then the week right after Christmas was still preparation for my sister’s birthday (Dec 31) and New Year’s evening food. We even had to drop by for awhile to my mom’s family reunion. Everything was manageable though. Maybe I just lacked some energy of some sort.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just lost. Maybe I’m just tired both physically and psychologically. I refused to think anymore of what’s lacking in my life. I am pretty sure I have enough, and I’m happy with what I currently have. I have 2 kind and intelligent sisters, 2 smart and lovely kids, 2 cousins who are selflessly helpful to me and a bessie who have been putting up with my miseries— financial problems, that is.

I don’t ask God “why” anymore. I take whatever He gives me. He doesn’t leave me anyways. He keeps me strong amidst all the difficulties I’m going through. He gives me and my family much needed comfort when we need it.

I’m not asking for anything material. My only prayer for now is enlightenment for my father, safety and good health for my entire family esp my kids, and financial assistance so we may be able to get through our daily needs. But I think God knows that already. He always knew what to give and always at the right time. Always.

I’m looking forward to a better and fruitful 2009!

wonderful night

s0ftm0on — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 00:26:57 +0000

I woke up feeling surprised. I wondered where I am. I thought I was late for work already. But I felt good when I stood up to wash my face. I don’t feel so sleepy. I felt refreshed and recharged. My kids are ready to go to bed but I insisted to play a little more with them. We ate dinner and chat a little with my sisters. I feel so light and I’m drowning myself to that moment. It’s like I’m being cradled in a moment of bliss and contentment. As I travel on a jeepney to my work I keep thinking on what’s ahead of us. I wanted to ask why am I feeling this way. I guess at the back of my mind I’m a little scared that there’s something that will happen that I’m being prepared at. I hope it’s something good. I just told myself to bask in the overwhelming feeling and let God put His arms around me. He will take care of me. I know.

just when i needed you most

s0ftm0on — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:02:17 +0000

I had a terrible headache since yesterday. I don’t know what’s causing it but I guess it was some sort of a sinus that can’t go out of my system. Plus my current problem with a particular due date is adding to the tension in my head. I thought it’s gonna be a very tough day.

After office I went directly to church to do my weekly novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. I prayed hard that I may be able to collect the amount needed to settle my part time account. I’ve been very faithful in praying my novena and I do it not because I’m asking for anything in particular but I needed guidance from a mother. That’s all I pray for, that I may be blessed with the grace to bring up my children in the most fruitful way as possible.

I met with my sisters afterwards and discussed our agenda for the day. Before lunch time our prayers were answered and I’m really, really grateful. God is always looking out and always there when we needed HIM. I’m so thankful that I’ll be able to rest from the throbbing pain in my head earlier than i expected.

With regards to physical pain, I plan on having a check up soon. My eyes were ruled out as the source of my migraines so it may be something in my head. I only pray that whatever it is that i may have, i hope it still give me enough time to secure my kids future and settle my obligations from friends and loved ones who have been all supportive of me all throughout my trying times. I love my friends. They have been God’s extended hand and they never tire of it.

God always provide. I firmly believe.

new home at last

s0ftm0on — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 21:35:26 +0000

Last saturday was the most refreshing feeling i had for the past several months. I felt like i was breathing clean air and it’s so comfortable it felt surreal.

Yeah, finally we’ve moved to a better house, a real home at last. I’m so thankful that despite the never ending struggle everyday, we are still blessed with some comforts in life. I mean, we are not actually asking for more or for too much unnecessary things in life, we are just so happy for this moment.

I don’t wanna look back to that ugly scene i had with our previous landlord. I don’t understand how she can mention God in her every word when she obviously drags the Lord’s name in vain. I don’t know how much insecurity a person can get by being paranoid over other’s opinions. And I can’t imagine myself at that age fighting with somebody younger than me who have asked politely for considerations. Some people are eaten badly by their own egos and are having a hard time swallowing reality. What a pity. If only they have informed us earlier that we cannot move out on that day because of some birthday party, then there will be no problem at all. We have done our part to be considerate but they took it negatively. It’s really hard to deal with people who cannot accept losing and even admitting their own mistakes. I don’t want to get old like that. I wish to grow old with grace and wisdom.

Well, as always, there are happy endings and we totally appreciate it. Now we sleep peacefully, comfortably and happy. Oh God, I so love you!